I'm running my 10k in a week and half, on the 15th...

But I'm continuing to go downhill in terms of food choices etc.

I feel like a year ago when I started this I was at a point where my health was at risk, where I had to lose the weight, or keep going up in to the 220s and so on until I didn't know when. Now I'm 164, and that's awesome. That's really, really amazing and awesome. But I've slowed down since summer.

On the one hand I'm running more than ever, I've gotten faster, my endurance has gone up, everything is getting better. On the other hand in the past four months I have only lost like seven pounds... which is really not very much at all.

I wanted to be 140 by Christmass, but now I know it's not going to happen. Twenty-five pounds in a month in a half is just not going to happen. It could have happened, if I hadn't always given in and gotten that extra cookie, or scone, or muffin, or whatever other slew of terrible terrible food choices I have made in the last three months. I need to get back on track, and I need to get back on track NOW, otherwise I will regain all the weight and last year will have been for nothing.

I need to do this, I need to lose these 25 lbs. I need to stop taking days off of running when I don't feel like going. Yeah, so I make it about four times a week, but I need to run five times a week, with one or two days worth of cross-training. I have to work out six to seven days a week. Why because I want to hit 140. I want to fit into those clothes, I want people to look at me and say wow you look great, and people do tell me that now, but only because of what I used to look like.

Today I cracked as I was leaving work, I got a polar bear cookie and a caramel brulee late. The cookie had 440 calories, the late 310. That's 750 calories, right there and I was already at 1000, which would have been fine if I had just waited for dinner. Then I said fuck it, and got a bag of chips on my way home. Another 300 calories.

I've been doing this about once a week for the past couple of weeks, and it HAS TO STOP. This is what I used to do, this is the way I used to eat. The craziest part is I haven't eaten this way for a year and I haven't missed it. Eating well, and making healthy choices made me feel good, it made me feel powerful and capable and strong. I want to be that healthy person.

My trainer keeps asking me how the food thing is going and I keep being unable to tell him... somehow I'm sure he knows, my weight loss has totally stalled which means having him is a waste of money. Exercise is only half the battle. Food is the other half.

I need to be that healthy person. So I have to find that motivation again.

I'm going to have to start over with food because all my bad habits have returned. I need to refocus and think about what I want to feel like. I don't want to crash in the middle of the day because I've had too much sugar. I don't want to feel nauseous because all I've eaten in a day is processed crap. I want to feel good and powerful and strong and like I'm doing good things to myself.

I need to get it together. I need to get it together badly.