Friday, October 23, 2009

I have been struggling with food lately. I start out well and then by mid afternoon I'm at work and what's in the pastry case looks better and better and the fact that there are 500 calories in a cookie stops mattering to me. I don't think I'm gaining weight, I'm running too much to do that (which as a sidenote is going amazingly well), but I'm certainly not losing any.

It worries me, and makes me angry at myself because this is supposed to be a life-change sort of thing, and for the past year I have been very good at making sure that it is a life-style change and not a temporary 'diet.' I've looked at how I eat and I've changed it, and now I feel like I'm reverting. I haven't sat down with an entire bag of chips, but I've come scarily close to buying that bag, and I don't like it.

I need to regain the control over my diet, and figure out what it is that is making me do this. Figure out why I feel the sudden need to sabotage a year's worth of work when I am only 25lbs from my goal. After losing nearly 50lbs in the last year 25lbs should be nothing, yet if I keep going this way, I'll be back at 214 before I know what happens and then I'll have 75lbs to lose again.

That CANNOT happen.

So I need to figure out what I'm afraid of, what it is that is making me do this to myself. Am I scared that I'll hit my goal and still not be happy with myself? Or am I scared that I'll hit my goal and find myself unable to maintain it and then all the work will have been for nothing?

I'm just so frustrated with myself... I just need to remember, I control this, no one else and nothing else but me.

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