I have been struggling with food lately. I start out well and then by mid afternoon I'm at work and what's in the pastry case looks better and better and the fact that there are 500 calories in a cookie stops mattering to me. I don't think I'm gaining weight, I'm running too much to do that (which as a sidenote is going amazingly well), but I'm certainly not losing any.

It worries me, and makes me angry at myself because this is supposed to be a life-change sort of thing, and for the past year I have been very good at making sure that it is a life-style change and not a temporary 'diet.' I've looked at how I eat and I've changed it, and now I feel like I'm reverting. I haven't sat down with an entire bag of chips, but I've come scarily close to buying that bag, and I don't like it.

I need to regain the control over my diet, and figure out what it is that is making me do this. Figure out why I feel the sudden need to sabotage a year's worth of work when I am only 25lbs from my goal. After losing nearly 50lbs in the last year 25lbs should be nothing, yet if I keep going this way, I'll be back at 214 before I know what happens and then I'll have 75lbs to lose again.

That CANNOT happen.

So I need to figure out what I'm afraid of, what it is that is making me do this to myself. Am I scared that I'll hit my goal and still not be happy with myself? Or am I scared that I'll hit my goal and find myself unable to maintain it and then all the work will have been for nothing?

I'm just so frustrated with myself... I just need to remember, I control this, no one else and nothing else but me.

Ok, so it has been about three weeks since I updated. Life has been busy. I've been working, running, and trying to buckle down on this whole grad-school application thing....

But let's talk about the weight, and the running. After a frustrating two months at 170lbs I am happy to say I have broken through my plateau. Yesterday I weighed a beautiful 165lbs, a number I haven't seen on the scale since I was about 14? That's 49 pounds lost. Forty-nine pounds!

My 10k is in about a month, on November 10th, which is also, coincidentally the three year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm going to be running it for her, and wishing she could be there, waiting for me at the finish line. I've been thinking a lot lately of what my mother would say if she was still around. If she knew about what I've accomplished this last year, and it makes me sad that she's not here to see me accomplish this. My father told me that I started gaining weight when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I think he's probably right. So I find it ironically appropriate that I run my first real-distance race on the three year anniversary of her death. This one's gonna be for you mom.

Gotta run, it's Canadian Thanksgiving today, and we're having dinner at my boyfriend's mom's. I have a lot to be thankful for this year.